She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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