dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
