you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
