I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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