You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
