Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
