Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
