I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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