my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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