youre lurking in front of me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
