U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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