If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
