remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
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There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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