I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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