i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
