Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
