I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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