You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
