Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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