if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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