Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
