ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
