apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
