If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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