i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
