We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
