dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
