A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
