I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize