My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
