I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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