He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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