I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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