I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I had to cum in my sink.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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