my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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