I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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