youre lurking in front of me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
