I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
