This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
