i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
