Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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