Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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