My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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