Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
