so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
