My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
