I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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