is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
