I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
