I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
