i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
