youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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