I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
