my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
